how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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