U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
