please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
