I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
