I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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