I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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