I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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