sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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