What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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