I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
