How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
