i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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