There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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