so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize