Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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