tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Randomize
