all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
