so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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