Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
