I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
