The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
BRING THE BAGELS
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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