i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
