drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
