Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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