I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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