it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
