Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize