I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
