New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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