I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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