I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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