I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
