Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
