I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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