she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
