I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you have to choose: penises or morals?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
