i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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