Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
