the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
