i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
