there's paper in my vomit.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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