I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
