4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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