Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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