you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
