First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
