The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
