I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
