Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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