I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
