Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
