I just cut my nipple shaving
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
