Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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