I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
