you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
