i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you win again, gameday.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
