I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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