Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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