So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
