I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
So here I am, sexting at work.
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