woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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