got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
