Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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