p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
