My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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