you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
