some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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