i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
