Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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