i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
