I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
